472. I have a good story from today for you involving a dog
471. Received so many wishes this year / Does no one know I'm a Jew?
470. I was reading in the economist that China is ramping up efforts to improve its toilet situation, given that tourism is on the rise. Apparently the government circulated a memo with guidelines on what constitutes a ‘good’ toilet versus a ‘bad’ toilet, and one of the stipulations was that all toilets must have no more than two flies at any given time.
469. - Did Woolworths design these mince pie brownies for stoners? - Yes. Absolutely.
468. Did you use my housekeeping instructions as a mull blad
467. It feels like the synapses in my brain are all dabbing
466. ‘A long long time ago in a galaxy far away Star Wars Everyone is now dead, forget about everything before. Female protagonist and trainer now are what you will watch.’
465. Please learn how to screengrab
464. the Green Lanterns detachable pipe can also break on the fall of the Checkers fresh produce isle and get replaced
463. The green lantern is Dagga Groin’s most trusted bong. It lights up like a lantern when danger is near
462. We woke up, got high, then walked for three hours.
461. I can't believe this is the same night we braaied those marshmallows.
460. Joh, science is amazing. Faaak. Science.
459. The combination of that wedding, cheese and your life gave me the most wonderful and epic of dreams.
458. Let's go throw stones at the drone.
457. Do you think someone's monitoring how much we're eating?
456. Speedo, hat, sun cream, sharp knife, mosquito stuff, butter, garlic, parsley, ganja, matches
455. "It sounded like I was saying my name all fucked up." - Melissa saying Marisa
454. miss you having a phone
453. Bots can't like captions or get people to help them win bongs
452. Every Jew knows a building he could have bought 30 years ago for 9 dollars.
451. Some of my greatest treasures are letters and drawings from children who come to story time My favourite one is on my wall and says “you are so kinb”
450. His work was very coming-of-age-gay-throwing-a-tantrum.
449. One thing I love about going to Russia is that I always come back with storage capacity.
448. Masturbated thinking about a hug I got last night.
447. I think I said jesus was a white guy w dreads
446. Martin how do you tell long format stories without being boring?
445. Chicken is for bulk and texture, salami is for flavour and gorgonzola is for pride.
444. DEVIN PLAYS GOOD CUM / MAYBE GET HIM ON THE CUM , Phil KRAME ON THE TUM AND ME ON THE BUM / I HEAR HE PLAYS A MEAN CUM
443. Yes so you make one dong you put in bank and return for later use
442. C HOMUR THIMP SON👶🏼 ,?
441. ,, HELO MR THOM ..££
440. ‘ LOUISE + SWEET CAN .. 🐸🐸 ‘,
439. I’m a bit bad at messaging. But I did a lot of steps.
438. DRUGS FOR SALE + MSG ME FOR PAYPAL + FART SCHOOL + FART SCHOOL
437. My mom just made me cry. Can't wait for yoga and therapy!
436. When I saw Homer, I said, "I want to be a nuclear physicist."
435. Put a posey up ya nosey
434. Thought it was all over. Got cheeky with some farts. Just shat my pants.
433. Would you watch a cartoon about rapping dinosaurs? Possibly called Raposaurs
432. That Lionel Richie centerfold tho / I didn't even see it before wrapping it
431. I think when I first met you, you were in blackface.
430. Kauai and weed
429. Omg just listening to griffin buzzing on snes on Wonderful
428. I'm planning to do a story of collections and see what the drop off is / first page will just be black with small white text "collections" / - most views / immediate 40% drop off / then 5% drop off for each subsequent page / down to just the core 6 at the final / Where I will show my dick, balls and anus in a single image / as loyalty reward
427. Benni just called an Ajax player a poes
426. Something that came out my balls is saying things that came out my mind
425. Fuck Martin. He can eat dirt.
424. we start life as an anus and grow outward from that
423. You haven't had a no liker for ages. I'm going to keep an eye on it.
422. So high in your suit
421. I'm offended that you sent me a screengrab of the wombles wiki like I don't have a clue exactly who the fuck they are
420. I can't believe we have 10 limericks either inspired by or written by you.
419. 'I hope you metabolize that wine and tortellini and then turn it into seed and plant it upon my front head.'
418. Who is more broken you or scanner
417. I'm not hungry but I'm gonna eat more I think
416. Three full adult sized dumps taken today so far.
415. He never stays still Martin. Have to throw ball brb
414. So what are you saying you are saying that you are all the goodness sayings are the same as you are saying you my friend are you saying my friend
413. What are tell feelings please ,f
412. Did you see the Gaga remix I posted? And then deleted?
411. You know I'm chugging down a big boi of that sweet green as soon as I go through the doors.
410. Gonna warp the head of penis and maybe round ou the sack
409. an italian immigrant must learn the ways of instagram stories in order to secure his social status
408. a butcher befriends a friendly pescatarian who rubs his temples absentmindedly
407. a reality tv show where bart simpson must live for one year with italian survivalists
406. an animal lover struggles with his vegetarian ideals when he visits the old country on holiday
405. a man with a sweet tooth turns to dogs to ween him off his obsession of 65 percent chocolate ice cream
404. I like how waterproof Martin is nowadays
403. We'll share a rubber.
402. He prefers to be a striker now so he can dab and do cartwheels.
401. Have you ever used your leg as a mouse pad? Well you're about to
400. X files S06E01 features an nuclear power plant technician called Homer
399. I had a dream that I was looking at your stories and then you appeared over my shoulder and I was embarrassed
398. Martin. You are Gorzira
397. HOW COME MY DOG SOUNDS LIKE IT SAYS "LAMP" WHEN IT BARKS?
396. Have you seen this new rapper called Mercules?