389. Marty, Hughie says you're gonna break Tinder.

388. Do you have plans for tonight? Please come goef and eat frittata with us

387. Joh, there are two moustaches in this movie (Predator).

386. Stop masturbating and she'll reply to your message.

385. The drawing you did of Sim and I is on my wall and I think of you so fondly, so often.

384. Can you stop being so hot and the sexiest, most unavailable guy in Cape Town?

383. I can play your voice notes like an instrument. Hugh says I must master the instrument

382. Mart, you are so entertaining and unique. You are just someone people want to be around.

381. The Pound goes up everyday, so does the value of this [Lego] bumblebee.

380. Now that Gail's gone, we can listen to Busta Rhymes.

379. When someone tells you that someone they know died, but they spell died as 'did', do you say sorry for the loss or first correct their typo?

378. At springboks. 20% of people arrive in boots of cars. Jug night. Need Vietnam strength flame thrower.

377. Where has my vagina hating friend gone?

376. This morning I produced a pooh of good girth and at least 30 unbroken centimeters in length that required no wiping. I actually took a photo but then deleted when I remembered it would sync to my shared work Dropbox.

375. wot if i u cud fart one long fart from all my life thru my bum into u moth ?

374. Is the Milan green different to the Mary Jane of the old country?

373. You said maybe twenty times, "big cums"

372. Bat Resume: Can fly without hitting a wall because of echolocation.

371. Also - 4 posts on my wall for birthday. 3 from family members. This is the height of Gluten.

370. By the time The Undertaker started wrestling in the late 80s, he had already died.

369. When are you free to goef and watch cobain video?

368. Mick foley once dated a woman for 6 months as Cactus Jack

367. Martin, no one cares about your sea point 90s pyramid videos childhood.

366. You are the Justin Bieber of DnD

365. Can you polymorph me into a dragon so I can fly around asking people riddles?

364. I took the biggest dump this morning The bowl was full you couldn't see water No water It was fury road

363. Martin I am actually goefed and watching South Park It's so deep

362. After going through my zine pack I can confirm your status as king of SA lowbrow parody zines is in tact to the best of my knowledge.

361. You are truly back

360. Uurgh still at work Can't even be with orphan kids At least I'll get my orphan fix when I see you

359. Whenever we can afford it, we try to go away on weekends because it contributes dramatically to my well-being.

358. Yesterday I watched the sunset from signal hill. There were quite a few people there. After it dipped under the horizon, everyone began applauding. I needed the flamethrower.

357. Trust people and they'll be true to you. Treat them greatly and they will show themselves to be great.

356. -I can't believe this album is fourteen years old. -Ja, in two years you'll be able to have sex with it.

355. Stayed in pajamas and spoke to dog until about 3pm

354. Imagine running through here and setting everyone alight with a flamethrower. (Peddlars On The Bend, 31.3.2015)

353. Fuck, who cares what sex the cat is.

352. Martin, I thought you were on your phone but you were just adjusting your flower.

351. I should have mounted his fucking face and pounded away.

350. Are we taking part or just drawing bogey tweets and Keke eating babanas

349. The only time I wore a (cricket) helmet was because I didn't have a nice enough hat.

348. You are the master of double digits

347. Last night was crowdsurfed on by singer from one of favourite bands who also EFTs me if people buy zine in joburg. Moments later someone passed wind and it stunk

346. All i have in life are daily workouts and seeing other men's cocks in the showers

345. I can't help thinking, "One of those men on stage has held my cock in their hand." - my brother

344. Subject: "FUCK YOU Martin! Go suck bollocks!" Body: "you know what? i still think you are gay and always laugh at the times my friends came to visit me and we would discuss about how pathetic you are and made as if it was your house !! At least i have something to tell about how people can be so fucked up over there!!!! You have absolutely no manners and you moan to the landloard like a bitch! you are the biggest hypocrite i've ever seen in my life.You don't know how to greet people... you call my music highly energetic because you are a SHALLOW HEAD!! You have low energy and you suck other people's energy like psychic vampires. You know what my mates thought? ''what a tool this guy, he thinks he is the shit!!!'' People like you exist. Unfortunately."

343. You have a history of farting on my dick.

342. Standing in the door of The Pink Flamingo crying in the rain.

341. You know that I'll love you until my last breath on this earth. You are my most treasured memories x

340. Young English-speaking white person about to goef: "I'll see you on the other side!" Young English-speaking white person who just goefed: "Hohp ovah sistah!"

339. The only thing Facebook has going for it is that my mother isn't on it.