559. I just want to roll another another joint, then we can listen to Jimi Hendrix.

558. Pitched the Ballcuzzi to the CEO of my company at Friday's staff party when I was drunk.

557. I witnessed a child taking a dump near the summit of lions head today and his grandfather pulling up a wad of grass with which to wipe his arse. It was so stinky.

556. I have just looked at so many dogs in uniforms with varying amounts of medals

555. My supervisor here is basically winnie the pooh the way he eats honey straight out the jar.

554. Oh dude if you want to know Pokémon let’s grab a drink

553. I was looking at you this morning and thinking, “There is so much that can go wrong with this brain.”

552. Omg thank you for acknowledging my budgie video

551. I'll just eat Oreos and watch myself dance when I get home.

550. If this was Russia, we’d be squatting.